Family violence
What is family violence?
Family violence is violence or abuse of any type used by one family member against another. It can be physical, sexual, emotional and psychological, financial, or spiritual. Scroll down for more information on each of these types of family violence.
It is never OK for anyone to use violence to hurt or control someone.
-read more-
Anyone can be affected by family violence, regardless of age, gender, sexual identity, cultural background, ability, religion, wealth, status or location.
Family violence includes child abuse, partner abuse and elder abuse. Common forms of violence in families/whānau include:
spouse/partner abuse (violence among adult partners);
child abuse/neglect (abuse/neglect of children by an adult);
elder abuse/neglect (abuse/neglect of older people aged approximately 65 years and over, by a person with whom they have a relationship of trust).
Family violence is a crime. You can report any family violence to the Police. Call the Police on 111 if you think you or someone else is in danger.
Physical violence
Examples of different types of physical violence include:
Hitting and punching
Biting, pushing, choking or pulling your hair
Making you drink or take drugs when you don't want to
Using or threatening to use weapons
Sexual violence
Examples of different types of sexual violence include:
Forcing you to have sex or do other sexual acts you don't want to do
Touching you in a way you don't want
Frequently accusing you of sleeping with other people
Forcing you to watch porn
RISE is a specialist family violence provider but we refer cases of sexual violence to specialists in that area. In Nelson Tasman contact SASH – Sexual Abuse Support and Healing.
Emotional and psychological violence
The most common type of family harm is emotional and psychological violence. Many victims say this form of abuse is as bad, if not worse, than physical abuse and harder to recover from. Examples of different types of emotional and psychological violence include:
Making you feel like everything you do is wrong
Tormenting you emotionally
Constantly criticising you or your friends
Humiliating you in front of your friends
Using unsafe driving to frighten you
Damaging property/walls/possessions to scare you
Making you isolated and alone
Blaming everything on you
Threatening to take the children away or hurt them
Stalking, following, checking up on you
Harming pets to punish you
Stopping you from, or forcing you to, practice a faith or religion
Making you feel scared of what might happen next
Financial harm
Examples of different types of financial harm include:
Taking your money or property
Running up debts in your name
Misusing power of attorney
Pressuring you into paying money
Neglectful harm
Examples of different types of neglect or harm caused to another person by neglecting them include:
Not providing food, clothing and warmth
Leaving dependants alone or with someone who is unsafe
Not providing comfort, attention and love
Not providing medical treatment
More information
For more information, visit the It’s Not OK website.
If you would like to get in touch with us, please email or call us.
What is a specialist family violence organisation?
RISE is a specialist family violence organisation. Organisations that offer specialist family violence services deliver them through highly skilled staff who have specific training and experience in family violence, supported within an agency that has expert knowledge of that field of practice embedded at all levels of the organisation.
As a specialist organisation, we partner with Police, Nelson Marlborough Health, Women’s Refuge, and a myriad of other local agencies every day in various locations across the top of the South Island to minimise family harm in our communities. Read more about this quiet but extremely useful work.
RISE employs 20 specially trained family violence clinicians, social workers, and psychotherapists. If you are looking for help because you are or have experienced family violence, please feel secure in contacting us. Services are completely confidential.
COERCIVE CONTROL
Whether you are a person being abused or you know someone who is being abused, we all need to know the danger signs to keep our family and friends safe. One of the early danger signs we can spot is controlling behaviour. This is often called coercive control.
-read more-
Coercive control looks more obvious over time when a pattern of behavior evolves. If you can spot these signs earlier, then you can help yourself or your friends/family before the behaviour worsens.
Examples of controlling behaviour include the person:
becoming different over time
being told what to wear
acting differently around family and friends than when around the partner
either can’t make decisions on their own or isn’t allowed to make decisions on their own
becoming more quiet and withdrawn
doesn’t have control of money or has to ask the partner to spend their money.
being less available to see friends and family, either because they are more withdrawn or because the partner isn’t allowing them to see anyone else
Each incident or episode by themselves may not seem serious. But they build up and there will start to be a pattern of controlling behaviour that becomes obvious over time.
Controlling behaviour to
Intense jealousy or possessiveness to
Intimidation to
Stalking to
Threats to kill to
Strangulation and 'choking' to
Worsening violence – more severe, more frequent
According to the It’s Not OK website, about half the homicides in New Zealand each year are family violence related. Learn to spot the signs of coercive control early so you can help someone before the situation worsens.
For more on coercive control, read this story from RISE Clinician Lara Buswell about working with a client who experienced it.
Verbal abuse, intimidation, and coercion bookended by strangulation
Coercive control is powerful. Read the story from one of our clients who experienced this throughout a relationship that lasted more than a decade. While Kath knew the strangulation episodes were wrong, she didn’t realise all of the little things that happened over the years were also abuse – the names, the put-downs, the selfish behaviour, the slights and nasty comments.
TRAUMA
People who have experienced family violence as a child, youth, or adult can develop symptoms of trauma. RISE offers a trauma service that is long-term, therapeutic support where people can explore either current or historical violence/abuse issues, learn to feel safe and settled, and to develop a more integrated sense of self.
How trauma affects users of violence
Our Clinical Leader Lois Hewetson talks about the relationship between childhood trauma and the violent behaviour of those who use violence. Why should we do more for them if we are to break the cycle of family violence?
I NEED HELP
If you are in immediate danger, dial 111 and ask for the Police.
Read on for advice if you are
experiencing family violence
committing violence against a family member and want help
a member of a Rainbow Community and want help on relationship violence
-read more-
I am experiencing family violence
If you are unsure if you are experiencing violence or harm, scroll to the top of this page to read about what family violence is.
If you believe you are experiencing family violence, the first step is to tell someone. It could be a friend, family member, workmate, teacher, carer, employer or health professional, or family violence prevention service like Women’s Refuge or here at RISE.
No one should be fearful of their partner or a member of their family. No matter what your age or gender identity, it's never OK if your partner or any member of your family is committing harm against you.
When you tell someone, you shine a light. Family violence thrives in secrecy. Don’t keep it a secret, there are people ready and willing to help you get to a safe place right away and then to develop a plan to stay safe, whether you decide to stay in the relationship or leave the relationship.
You can reach out confidentially to RISE any time.
Also, you can call:
The Police, on 111, if you are in immediate danger.
The Family Violence Information Line (0800 456 450). It provides self-help information and connects people to services where appropriate. It is available seven days a week, from 9am to 11pm, with an after-hours message redirecting callers in the case of an emergency.
Women’s Refuge
Find more information for these and other resources in our Resources section.
I am using violence against a person or people
People who have stopped using violence say the hardest part is admitting they needed help to change their behaviour. Changing your behaviour takes courage but brings lifelong rewards.
If your family is scared of you, or if people tell you that your behaviour is frightening, you might need to consider making changes to the way you behave. And violence isn’t just hitting or physical. It is everything that makes people frightened of you, such as
scaring
controlling
putting people down
smashing stuff
harassing
threatening
There is no excuse for violence. No-one deserves to be scared or frightened of you. Violence may have been part of your childhood but you can choose not to repeat it.
Change takes courage, effort and determination - and it is possible. We know for a fact that people can change, we have seen it happen many times. And it can be lasting change, if you are open and willing.
At RISE we specialise in working with people who use violence against family. First, you have to remember that you are not alone. Do not be afraid to ask for help. It’s very hard to change all on your own, you will find support and help here at RISE.
Would you like help from RISE?
Get in touch
Help for members of the Rainbow Community
Relationship violence can happen to anyone. People who are part of the Rainbow Community (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, intersex, takatāpui, queer, fa'afafine) face similar types of physical violence, although there are particular tactics that are used by abusive partners to control or manipulate, such as:
threats to be ‘outed’ to friends, whānau or employers
hiding or otherwise limiting access to hormones or other medication
engaging in sex or sexual activities without consent, such as barebacking (men having sex without a condom).
Read more about LGBTQ people not being exempt from violence.
For more information and help for the Rainbow Community, visit the website of Hohou Te Rongo Kahukura – Outing Violence.
DO COURSES WORK?
One of the most frequently asked questions we hear is about our non-violence programme. Most people know these courses as stopping violence programmes, but we don’t use that phrase.
Do these courses work? We put together a series of articles and videos addressing this question. (Spoiler alert, yes they do work!)
-read more-
Part 1: Understanding a person who has used violence is the first step to helping them
Part 2: What does a stopping violence programme look like?
Part 3: The Cycle of Change, presented by Mark Banks, RISE Clinician
Part 4: Do stopping violence programmes really work?
Most importantly, we want to share that change is possible and our Non-Violence Programme is the first step to making life-lone change.
HOW DO I HELP?
If you think someone is in danger right away, call the Police on 111.
Read on for advice if you know someone - an adult or a child - who may be experiencing family violence.
-read more-
I want to help a friend or family member who is experiencing family violence
ADULTS
If you know or suspect someone is being intimidated, controlled or hurt, find out what you can do to help. It's OK to get involved – you could save a life.
There are many actions that help. Sometimes just one action or comment can make the difference. What’s important is how we approach people who are living with violence.
Say things like:
Are you ok?
Is someone hurting you?
Is there anything I can do?
If you suspect someone is being hurt:
Give support not advice
Listen
Take violence seriously
Don't tell them what to do
Let them make their own decisions however long it takes
Keep in touch with them
Adults living with violence need support to make decisions in their own time when they are ready. It's important tosupport them but to go at their pace. They often feel a lot of shame whether they are being violent or being hurt. The sooner you reach out to someone living with family violence the sooner they can get to a comfortable place to ask for help.
CHILDREN
If children are being hurt they need adults to step in and take charge of their safety. They need to be able to tell adults they can trust what is happening to them.
If you are worried about a child you can contact Oranga Tamariki, which has a statutory obligation to protect children. You don't need to give your name.
PROTECTION ORDERS AND POLICE SAFETY ORDERS
Learn about Protection Orders, which are issued by the Family Court, and Police Safety Orders, issued by NZ Police.
-read more-
What is a Protection Order?
A Protection Order is issued by the Family Court to protect people from family violence. The Family Court can issue a Protection Order if it is satisfied that family violence has occurred and that the Protection Order is needed to protect you (the Applicant) and other people for whom protection is sought.
Visit the Ministry of Justice’s website for more information on protection orders.
What is a Police Safety Order?
A Police Safety Order (PSO) is issued in circumstances where the Police believe on reasonable grounds that family violence has occurred or might occur.
The order lasts for up to five days but more usually one or two days. The purpose of a PSO is to protect the person at risk from violence, harassment or intimidation. The order stays in force until the expiry time/date listed on the order.
The Police do not need the consent of the person at risk to issue the order.
When a PSO is made, the person bound by the order must leave the address while the PSO is in force, even if they own the address and/or normally live there.
Visit the Police’s website for more information on Police Safety Orders.