How RISE saved Pete’s* marriage and changed his life
“My physical health is in a better place; our relationships are in a better place. I could not recommend RISE enough to anyone. The stuff you take away is huge. It’s life changing.”
When anger is your only tool
Pete was on the “verge of losing everything” when he reached out for help. His anger was affecting his family and he was facing divorce.
“I had been given an ultimatum,” Pete says. “My wife had identified my anger as a key point in her mental illness.”
His young son was also modelling Pete’s angry behaviour and was yelling, screaming, hitting and throwing things.
“Recognising that was exactly what I was doing, made me realise something had to change,” Pete says.
Pete chose to contact RISE and LifeLine. But even then, he didn’t view himself as an abuser.
Sure, he got angry, yelled and threw things, especially when his kids didn’t do what they were told. But in his mind, he wasn’t that bad.
“I wasn’t Jake the Muss, right? I wasn’t beating people up. My perception was – I could be worse.”
Besides, Pete didn’t think his anger was affecting anyone “beyond the 10 minutes of me yelling and swearing”.
“But it was most definitely hurting them emotionally,” he says with hindsight. “Which is probably more damaging in a sense, because it changes people’s perceptions of who they are and, that can be for their entire life.”
Pete used to use his anger all the time. He didn’t have any other tools for dealing with life’s challenges. He used to pride himself on being an angry, grumpy man as he equated that with being masculine. (Image: Pexels)
Lack of role male models
Pete didn’t have many positive male role models growing up.
His father left when he was young. When they met again in Pete’s teens, his dad “wasn’t terribly nice”.
Pete’s maternal grandfather was a “sort of male role model”. But he was also an alcoholic.
“He wasn’t a good role model. But he was there, so he was the role model that I had.”
Pete became an alcoholic as a teenager. He was also angry. That was the behaviour he knew.
For a long time, he equated being angry with being manly.
“I’d always prided myself on being an angry, grumpy man. That was sort of the masculine thing to do - to be angry all the time. On reflection I definitely wasn’t being masculine. I was just being an asshole.”
Pete used to work in a public facing role where it was normal for upset customers to take it out on him. But he never took it personally. It was only at home where he lost it.
“I would have people spitting in my face, yelling at me and threatening my life and I was just perfectly calm,” he says of his work. “But if my kids climbed on the couch I would lose my temper.
“I saw it as a direct attack on me as a father and as a reflection on my fathering. I was defending myself with anger.”
Something RISE Clinician Jamie said helped him understand that he personally had nothing on the anger scale between calm and extremely angry.
“I told Jamie I used to use my anger all the time and he said, ‘When the only tool you’ve got is a hammer, everything looks like a nail’.
“That stuck with me. I didn’t have the tools, so I was just using anger and violence.”
People could yell at him at work and he remained calm. But if Pete’s kids climbed on the couch he would lose his temper. He saw it as a direct attack on his fathering.
(Image: Pexels)
Learning to be vulnerable
Pete chose to join RISE’s group-based Non-Violence Programme for men.
He’d tried counselling before, and it hadn’t worked. Articulate and smart, he knew what counsellors wanted to hear. But with his family on the line, he decided working with RISE would be different.
“This time I was committed to telling the truth no matter how painful it would be to say it out loud, or how bad I would look by saying it.”
While initially finding the group setting awkward, he soon settled in and discovered having to be honest with others made him more accountable. Hearing from men with similar experiences also made him feel less alone.
“The others were there to listen and not judge, they have been through the same stuff and are feeling the same emotions as you.
“It was massive in changing the way I started thinking.”
The fact he didn’t feel judged by RISE Clinicians, or his group was also huge.
“The first couple of times saying out loud that you are an abuser, or you’ve hit your kids, is really hard,” Pete says.
“But saying it out loud and not seeing the anger or judgement around the room made me realise I could say what I needed to say no matter how bad it had been, and I wouldn’t be judged or treated differently.”
Being empowered to take responsibility for his behaviour and reflect on how he could have handled a situation better, rather than being told what to do, was also life changing.
“The other guys around the room were like … ‘We’ve been there. How could you have done it differently?’ Not; ‘You should do this’.”
In the later weeks of group work if lost it at home there was always a voice reminding him he would have to share his actions with the group.
“You sort of hold yourself accountable, and other people hold you accountable, and not in a judgemental angry way.”
It took months – but it was also very quick when he recognised the change in himself, he says.
“My kids came up and gave me a hug one day and I was like – ‘holy shit’ this must be working. Because they’d never done that before.”
When Pete first arrived at RISE he was looking at divorce, because he was arguing with his wife all the time. Now his relationship with his wife and children is the best it has been.
(Image: Pexels)
RISE’s group-based Non-Violence Programme for men was life changing for Pete. The group format helped him to be accountable. The other men had similar experiences and no one judged him. (Image: Pexels)
A space without judgement
RISE Clinician Jamie says RISE’s Non-Violence Group is a space for men to talk and hear about the challenges and successes members are having in their relationships.
RISE provides information, education and conversations around change.
The course runs over 16 weeks and includes relationship, communication, self-awareness and mindfulness skills and tools.
“We work really hard to develop a culture in the group of sharing and support. Something that always comes back to us is that it’s a non-judgemental space.”
Jamie says people can share things that went well or didn’t go well and are encouraged to think about how they could handle situations better next time. “Self-reflection is one of the main things that people get.”
Many start the group feeling anxious, and leave saying they don’t know what they will do with their RISE night once the course has ended.
“What I hear is that they leave feeling heard, empowered and feeling like they have more ability to manage and improve their lives.”
Something RISE Clinician Jamie said helped Pete understand that he had nothing on the anger scale between calm and extremely angry.
RISE’s tools are ‘life-changing’
Pete says every part of RISE’s course was good but learning about Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) was when things started changing dramatically for him.
CBT is a therapy where people learn how to identify and change destructive or negative thought patterns or behaviours and replace them with more appropriate responses.
Pete says combining CBT with other tools such as mindfulness and meditation has helped him become more aware of his behaviour and that he has the power to change it.
He now has tools to regulate his anger. When he loses his temper, which is infrequently, it is nowhere near to the same degree.
“I still get angry, but I don’t lose my shit.”
He’s able to tell the kids to get off the couch and they respond, whereas previously he would have yelled, swore at them or pulled them off.
A natural sceptic, and someone who loves logic, using the tools RISE and his counsellors taught him didn’t come easily.
At first, he thought mindfulness and meditation were “just for hippies”.
“I felt like I should be sitting with all these crystals around me, right?”
However, he distinctively remembers discovering how mindfulness was powerful following an angry outburst at home.
“I was driving to work and was aware I was breathing heavily and clenching the steering wheel hard. So, I decided to slow my breathing down, and stop grabbing the steering wheel.
“Instantly I stopped frowning and gritting my teeth and I calmed down. I was like, ‘Okay. This works.”
An easy meditation provided by his counsellor has also helped. After years of insomnia, he’s sleeping better and falls asleep easily.
“I just sort of calm my body down and slow my heart rate down.”
Getting help has also helped his relationships with his children and wife, and also had huge benefits for his mental health and he is no longer on anti-depressants.
RISE and his counsellor have helped him work through his “father issues” which had caused years of low self-esteem and severe depression.
He is no longer angry towards his dad. He can see that his father was probably grappling with his own issues when he left and it was not his fault. “That took the weight off my shoulders over-night.”
Pete no longer suffers from depression or thinks about self-harm.
“I still have bad days, but nowhere like it was.
“My physical health is in a better place; our relationships are in a better place. I could not recommend RISE enough to anyone. The stuff you take away is huge. It’s life changing.”
Importantly, he’s also learnt not to take it personally if his children occasionally misbehave.
“If it wasn’t for RISE I don’t think I would have seen that. They do amazing work.”
A better future - Breaking the cycle of anger
For Pete one of the most confronting things to face was the damage his anger had caused his family.
“The hardest thing for me was the fear that I’d gone too far and there was no way back,” he says.
“I can’t reverse my past behaviour. But what I can do is model better behaviour for the future and hopefully the outcome will be different.”
His wife has told him how much better her mental state is since he got help.
“When I first arrived at RISE I was genuinely looking at divorce, because we were arguing and yelling at each other all the time. It was hostile. Now we are in such a good place.
“I still lose my temper, but it doesn’t ruin my day. I don’t hold onto that anger for a whole day like I was. It’s a fleeting moment and I can calm down.
And this is reflected in my relationship with my wife and kids which is probably the best it has been since we’ve had kids.
“It has changed, and it’s still changing. I’ve still got work to do, but I’ve got the tools to do the work now.”
His son still gets angry, but now Pete handles it better. “Generally, I see better behaviour out of them.
“I see more care, and they want to spend time with me now – not they are forced to spend time with me.”
Pete is teaching some of the tools he now has in his toolbox with his children when they get angry.
He’s proud he is demonstrating there are “better ways to take control of your body, behave and regulate”.
“I know I’m giving my kids now the tools that they will need to be better people for themselves and for the people around them.
Which I can only say is thanks to RISE. They won’t have to go through years of being an abusive asshole to figure it out.”
*All names in this story are pseudonyms to protect the identities of people involved.