Navigating dark days, a father finds what he needs at RISE
The last few years have been the hardest of Malcolm’s life. He separated from his partner of 11 years and, with careful consideration, he agreed their four children would live with their mother. Following the separation, Malcolm’s ex partner began a custody battle that continues to this day. Malcolm says he sees his children rarely and has been fighting Oranga Tamariki and the Family Court system to increase his access while managing an ongoing abusive relationship with their mother.
“I was emotionally abused throughout my relationship with my ex-partner,” Malcolm says. “Now that we are separated, she is keeping the children from me. I feel Oranga Tamariki and the Family Court continue to favour her narrative over mine despite evidence that I am a good and stable parent. For years I felt there were very few services for me to go for support.”
Malcolm says he was emotionally flooded and needed support to interpret and place his emotions, but he could not find a support system in the area to help him.
“I was very relieved when I discovered RISE.”
He started off meeting with RISE Clinician Michiel van Boekhout. “He gave me a place to unload all of my thoughts and feelings. Michiel wasn’t the type of person I was expecting to meet. He was relatable, respectful, and he was mature and experienced with the passages of my life that I was going through, like being in a relationship and fatherhood.
“With Michiel it was all inclusive. He never elevated himself, he always held a mutual conversation with me where he valued our time in a genuine way. He grasped all the parts I shared and he always remembered our work and brought everything he had to me. As part of the foundation of what we were doing together, Michiel made me feel understood and not judged. He helped me re-discover the tools I already had inside me to manage my situation.
“He was also culturally respectful,” Malcolm says. “The ways in which we talked were like a natural stream and I felt collected within that space and time. We managed to work through what was on the table within each session we spent together. He never talked down to me, but he would test me at times and I picked up on those and accepted those wero.”
What unfolded for Malcolm were many meaningful interactions that have stuck with him and helped him on this part of his life journey. Malcolm continues working through the Family Court system and the energy this takes is energy he expends willingly only for the love for his children, even though the process is debilitating. He makes time now to build up strength and channels his anger and hurt into positive action.
“The children’s mother is important in their lives and I respect this and honour it for my kids,” Malcolm says. “I am seeking accountability only, and I will continue to seek it while maintaining my integrity. I need to know my kids are well and in positive relationships with people in their lives, including their mother. I have chosen to transform my pain into identifying constructive solutions to these problems.
“What I have done and continue to do has been influenced by the mahi with Michiel. He has been a navigator, speaking to me freely man to man, and serving as a professional guide through dark days. He’s been an incredible help, one tool in my toolkit on my journey and I am grateful.”
Malcolm says his behaviour and actions during this difficult time will set an example for his children.
“I want my kids to see what a strong man looks like. Strong in character and strong in caring and kind in conduct. I always say to them that a real man is strong on the inside but gentle on the outside. Yes, I’ve been harmed. But I’m not going to become a harmful person, I’m going to become more self-reliant and self-directed. I did not invite these painful events into my life, and they don’t control me.”
* Malcolm’s name has been changed for privacy.