Come to RISE for your aiga: ‘Do it for your family’

Group work the key for father’s healthy relationships

Koreana came to RISE after the court told him he had to do a non-violence programme. He was charged with assault on his ex-partner. He also faced protection and parenting orders.

At first, coming to RISE was just a “box ticking exercise”. He didn’t want to be at RISE and didn’t believe he was at fault. But he soon understood RISE was somewhere he wanted and needed to be.

“I realised I had work to do on myself,” he says. “I just went from there, and I never looked back. 

Koreana attended the men’s group with RISE Clinicians Jamie Sumner and Jeanette Jensen.

He says being part of a group, with other men experiencing similar problems, was hugely beneficial. It showed him other men were also struggling.

“In that group environment you listen to everyone else and you realise other people are dealing with stuff too. You learn from others and it makes you feel like you are not alone.”

He says the group format works as the men were open, vulnerable and there to change. Hearing other men honestly share their experiences, made him aware he needed to face a few hard truths too.

“For a course like RISE to work you’ve got to be completely honest with yourself,” Koreana says.

Koreana has a child with his former partner and they have a difficult relationship. He got angry dealing with her especially around access issues to his child. That relationship, and his behaviour, also impacted his current relationship, which was rocky at times, he says.

However, through RISE he has learnt how to better deal with his emotions, regulate his anger and how to accept the situation with his ex who has custody of their child.

Having Jeanette as a co-leader was vital in this change as she was able to talk to him from a female perspective about how his current or ex-partners might be feeling. He learnt to see things from their side more, he says.

“It was very hard, but I was able to kind of put myself in her shoes a bit more.”

When issues arose with his ex-partner around custody visits at the beginning of the course, he would have got angry and cried. But he has learnt how to use alternative thinking.  “I started training myself not to expect to see him, but if I did to see him to make use of that time and be grateful.”

Being on the course also helped him understand why he had issues with his temper, and that he was a product of his environment growing up in a Pacific Island household with parents who used anger as that was how they were raised.

“I wasn’t able to regulate my feelings as a child and grew up thinking that was normal and that’s how you behave. So, I just grew up as an angry person.

“Since being at RISE I’ve had to do a whole lot of thinking back to when I was a child and not blame my parents because that was all they knew at the time. It wasn’t really their fault. It was how they were brought up.” 

Koreana is adamant he wants to break the cycle of violence.

He believes course such as the one RISE offers would be useful for his community if they were tailored to their cultural and language needs.

“I’m kind of gutted for people that do the one-on-one course miss out on that. I truly believe being able to be heard by others and listening to others really helped me put my life in perspective.” (Photo: Pexels)

If he was to tell his Pacific Island people about the benefits of RISE he would tell them to come to the course for their aiga (whānau).

“Do it for your family, if not for yourself. Do it for your family.”

He found the group work at RISE so valuable he is currently enrolled on the Dad’s Group. He also wants to attend the Men’s Group for a second time to help cement what he has learnt.

He enjoys the relationships and bonds with the others he built in the group environment.  

“I’m kind of gutted for people that do the one-on-one course miss out on that. I truly believe being able to be heard by others and listening to others really helped me put my life in perspective.”

He says the timing of the course was perfect as a few years ago he wouldn’t have accepted he was part of the problem and that he had a problem with anger.

“In a way I still feel like the world’s a bit against me, but I’m in a better place mentally to accept what is going on and navigate my thoughts and feelings.”

A positive outcome from the work he has done at RISE is that friends and his current partner have noticed changes in his behaviour.

Prior to attending the course, he was the stereotypical man who wouldn’t or couldn’t talk. His partner has noticed he is a lot more open and they stayed up to 4am talking one night.

“She was like I used to be the one who wanted to talk, and now I don’t want to talk because I just want to sleep and you still want to talk.”

He is very thankful he found RISE, and says if he hadn’t, he would still be angry and his relationships would be unhealthy.

“I remember my last session in the men’s group I thanked Jamie and Jeanette. But I also thanked the guys around me for being able to share their stories and trust in themselves to share it.

“It takes a lot to share, so I’m grateful that I was trusted enough to hear their stories and thankful I went through the course because I could be somewhere completely different now if it wasn’t for RISE.”

*Not his real name.