Why I went to RISE for my family

RISE was life changing: ‘I’m a better father, a better ex-husband. I’m just a much better person’

An ex-client shares his story on how attending RISE changed his life for the better.

Attending RISE was one of the best things I’ve ever done. It’s made me a much better person, and a way better father.

I’m proud of a few things I’ve done in my life, but coming to RISE is right up there in things that make me super proud.

I came to RISE because I was fighting and arguing with my wife a lot. I found myself getting angry, swearing and yelling. I would lose control of my emotions and yell and say horrible things.

My wife gave me an ultimation; “Go to RISE and sort your anger out or we are over.”

While getting help at RISE might have been prompted by my then wife, I was also firmly in the mindset I wasn’t just attending because she had told me to go. I wanted to be a better father. We’ve got two young children, 8 and 9.

I knew that my behaviour was much bigger than arguing with my wife, with whom I’ve since separated. It was also affecting my children. If they came to me with a small problem, or were a bit naughty, I found myself overreacting. And I didn’t know why.

I wanted to go to RISE to become a better father, a better role model and set a better example for my kids. I’m also a manager and look after 15 people, so I also wanted to be a better person for them. I wanted to have better control over my emotions, so if people said things that pissed me off, I could react better and not swear or yell.

The whole environment at RISE helped me.

I started off on one-on-one sessions, but RISE clinicians Jamie and Jeanette thought I would benefit being in the group environment. They also thought I could be a great asset to the group, I was motivated to attend RISE and I wanted to be a better person.

The way the whole programme was delivered was very professional and well done. It was broken into segments which flowed well from one meeting to the next. This allowed you to build on your knowledge from previous sessions.

I learnt a lot at RISE; about the way we think, about our neural pathways and how the first eight years of your life are critical. That’s when you gain the most knowledge and that’s when you learn how to perceive the world.

RISE has helped me understand the way I think the way I do. This has given me the ability to have empathy for others, to put myself in their shoes and see life from their perspective. The ability to be more empathetic is probably one of the biggest things that helped me.

I would have struggled going through my separation without the knowledge and tools I learnt at RISE. The tools I learnt have helped me navigate my separation.

I know that our separation would have been much much worse. It’s been a difficult separation, and if I hadn’t done the RISE course, I would have lost my shit at my ex and called her all the words under the sun.

With the tools and knowledge, I have now I’m able to identify why my ex might be feeling as she is, and I don’t bite. I don’t throw back fire.

I have a lot more compassion and empathy. Now when things are tough, I stop and take a moment and go; ‘Well, what is she going through?’

She’s going through a divorce too and she is also missing her children. She has insecurities and uncertainties too.

At this rate it’s looking like we are going to be friends when our separation is finalised, which is going to be so good for the kids. There’s no way we would have been friends if I hadn’t been to RISE and that would have impacted negatively on our kids.

I try and communicate with compassion now and I wouldn’t have done that before. I would have just focused on how things affected me, and only me.

Having empathy can help you navigate so many life challenges.

That rolls off onto my children too. If my kids come home from school and they are being a bit naughty - because they are kids, and I find myself overreacting, I can now nip that feeling in the bud.

It’s given me tools to be reflective and analyse my behaviour. If I was a bit sharp with my kids, I’ll think; ‘Why did I talk to them that way?

Then I can go; ‘Oh that’s right I’m disappointed because such and such happened today.’

Before coming to RISE I wasn’t able to identify all those things.

Now, I can talk to the kids and say, ‘I’m really sorry I spoke to you with a raised voice.

‘You guys are just being kids and I’ve actually had a bad day with a challenge thrown at me at work and I’m struggling with it.’

They say: ‘That’s OK dad, thanks for telling us.’

Life is just so much better and it is setting a better example for my kids.

My kids are my world, there is nothing more important to me than my kids. I love educating my children and talking to them about life and challenges. I want to be the father that is always there for them. I want them to feel safe and comfortable coming and talking to me about anything.

“I can’t stress enough how grateful I am for the chance to go through RISE. I recommend everyone to go to RISE, every bloke I know I tell them to go – do the course.” Photo: Unsplash.

Now, I talk to my kids about feelings and challenges in life. The other day my son turned to me and said; ‘I just want to say, I really love having these chats with you Dad.’ He’s nine.

I was like this before I came to RISE but this is on a whole other level.

I think before attending RISE if my son had come to me in the future say with girl problems, I would have paid him out.

We still have a joke, but now I’ll tell him I’m just having a laugh and it is totally OK to feel like that.

He’s so much more open to talking to me now, because he knows I’m going to talk to him, support him and not embarrass him.

I grew up in a typical Kiwi home. My mum and dad are still together and my dad was the breadwinner and always right. My mum was a stay-at-home mother.

Dad was a wonderful person and a great role model, but his generation don’t talk about their feelings – they think men are weak if they talk about their feelings.

I suggested my dad see a counsellor one day when he was obviously suffering from health issues and depression. His response was no, ‘That’ll make me seem weak.’

I don’t want that for my boy. I don’t want him to see mental health issues as a weakness.

I didn’t grow up thinking men were better than women, but in my home, men were the boss and women had to respect the boss.

I’m lucky my ex-wife was staunch on a couple being equals with a 50/50 split and I grew to accept and embrace that.

The group work at RISE was fantastic and it helped show me others could be facing more difficult situations than I am. It was insightful to see what other people were going through.

The group work helped open my eyes to what others are going through. It was inspiring to hear how others dealt with tough situations such as not seeing their children in a divorce.

Hearing I wasn’t the only one that thought a certain way about various situations was affirming and validating.

I now try and teach my kids that anger is totally OK. I’d be concerned if you didn’t feel anger as people would walk over you I life. I’m teaching them anger is a healthy emotion that we all feel. It’s how we express it that’s the key.

I use the breathing techniques I learnt at RISE. The ice-berg model was also really helpful. Understanding that what can appear at the top of the iceberg can be quite small, but you don’t know what is lying underneath the water and how big that issue is.

The breathing and the iceberg model are probably some of the biggest tools I took away.

When my kids become of age, I will recommend they do something very similar to RISE – even if they aren’t struggling with anger and can express their feelings.

I think it is just so good to be able to understand how your brain works the way it does and how you do have the ability to change your habits and behaviour with practice and understanding.

I can’t stress enough how grateful I am for the chance to go through RISE. I try and recommend RISE to anyone. I recommend everyone to go to RISE, every bloke I know I tell them to go – do the course. I just wish it didn’t have the anger management stigma attached to it – because it is so much more than that.

It’s just core knowledge that should be taught to everyone. I’m astonished at half the stuff that gets taught in schools – I would much rather my kids learnt what RISE is teaching.

I would recommend it to anyone, even if you are not having any problems – just to help you grow and understand the way your brain works. It’s such a great thing for self-growth, behavioural change and understanding your emotions.

Going to RISE was so life changing. I’m a better father, a better ex-husband. I’m just a much, much better person.