It’s Never Too Late to change

 “I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want my grandchildren to see an angry violent person.”

For most of his life *Dave ran on autopilot.

When he got annoyed, he reacted, and “not always in the best way”.

With a childhood that would “make Once for Warriors look like a holiday camp”, Dave “learnt very early to stand up for himself.

“I had to protect myself because no one else would,” he says.

Dave has struggled with anger for most of his life. He was court-ordered to do an anger management course 30-years ago, but he didn’t finish it. The course didn’t suit him, and he wasn’t ready to change.

Recently his anger was becoming an issue. It was disrupting his sleep and making him stressed. “Things weren’t out of control,” he says. “But I was starting to get angry and suffering road rage.”

After one road rage incident he looked in the rear-view mirror and could see his dog was terrified. “That really hit home. I love my dog.”

Dave’s lives in social housing which can he challenging. He has had a few run ins with his neighbours.

Again, it was his dog’s reaction to his outbursts which made him evaluate his behaviour.

“I noticed the dog with its tail between its legs,” he says after one shouting match. “I went up to her after the argument and she backed away from me. I thought. ‘That’s not right’.”

Dave’s a proud father and grandparent, who has worked hard to give his children the childhood he never had.

So, a big part of his motivation to change is that he wanted to be better and react to situations more positively.

He wants to be a better role model for his children and grandchildren.

“I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want my grandchildren to see an angry violent person.”

He spoke with the Salvation Army who told Dave about RISE and he got in touch. Dave was enrolled in the Men’s Non-Violence Programme and Clinicians Victor MacGill and Miranda Warner were the course’s facilitators.

Despite feeling nervous and apprehensive about the course – Dave felt at ease at RISE within the first five minutes, he says.

“I didn’t feel like an outsider,” he says.

“RISE is really inclusive. There’s no shame and no judgement.”

He found the course’s group nature beneficial as it helped him realised, “he was not alone, or a freak or the only one that had those feelings.”

Dave says something Victor talked about that really struck a chord.

Victor said to ask yourself whether the thing, or situation, angering you was something you would remember on your death bed.

“That really put stuff into perspective.”

Dave joined a Non-Violence Programme at RISE as he felt his anger was becoming an issue. He wanted to become a better father and grandfather.

“We should learn this stuff at school.”

Dave says there were many positives about the course.

He particularly enjoyed learning about the brain, how it works and how neural pathways are formed.

It was massive to hear about the physiology of his reactions and that he has the power to control his reactions. “I learned to slow down. I learnt you can turn the autopilot off and stop and think. That’s why I think we should learn this stuff at school.”

Dave says the RISE course helped him understand he shouldn’t have experienced what he did as a young boy.

One of the tools RISE uses is the 1-10 scale and this was also something that resonated with Dave. He had always thought he was either calm (a one on the scale), or angry an 8-10 on the scale.

He didn’t realise there were steps in between. “I never used to think about what I was doing. I would just go straight to 10 and have a big mess to clean up.

“I’ve got to know myself now, which might sound weird. I didn’t know about the steps two to nine. I only knew the one and the 10, if you know what I mean.”

Now if he finds himself moving up the scale, he knows he has tools to help calm down. He stops, take a big breath and removes himself from the situation.

“What I think now. Is there a better way?,” he says. “One of the first thoughts I have now is that I wouldn’t like my grandkids watching me behave like this. Those thoughts get me back into the positive.”

He can cope with stuff that would previously have stressed him out, can concentrate more and even has less pain, he says. He’s also way calmer on the road – something his son has commented on.

“I used to hang out the window and be like, ‘Get off the road you f***n idiot’. But I don’t take it personally anymore. That change that is really big. It’s huge. I wouldn’t have changed without the RISE course.  I wouldn’t have known how to.”

*Names have been changed.