I can’t be this person anymore
Women behaving violently ‘happens more than people think’
By Anna*
I reached out to RISE because I decided I didn’t want to be the human being I had been anymore. I grew up around anger and I was on the receiving end of physical abuse when I grew up. I thought it was normal, I thought that was how you dealt with anger or frustration or just how you behave in a relationship.
I’m a woman, a mother, and I was a wife for only six months when my husband left me while I was six months pregnant with my second child. I was also a very angry person. When he walked out, I had the clearest realisation that I didn’t want to be this person anymore. I didn’t want to raise my children in a home where they would see me act this way. I didn’t want my children to learn to be violent.
My husband had had enough after one-and-a-half years together. The look on his face when I first lashed out at him was utter shock: I was not who he thought I was. In the end, he stayed. We married and I became pregnant. And I continued to lash out and initiate all sorts of physical abuse. I slapped him in the face. I threw cups at him. I was verbally abusive to him. Drinking alcohol often led to my violent bursts.
And the anger wasn’t just with my husband. Before I met him I had been in two relationships where I was violent to those partners also, one of whom returned the physical abuse. I broke my nose in an altercation one time. He and I engaged in physical fights and hurt each other. I wouldn’t say I was a victim of his abuse because he only ever reacted to my initiating the violence.
My older child … this makes me feel so awful … I recall two incidents where I lost it with her when she was younger and harmed her when I shouldn’t have.
When I finally reached out to RISE I was at my lowest point. I started seeing Kimberley (RISE Clinician). I told her about my relationships, my violence, and that I didn’t want to be that type of woman raising my children. I talked to her about my past and she pushed me to question my behaviour. She taught me to see the other person’s point of view and to be more compassionate. At first, when I told her about some of the violent actions I committed against my husband, I didn’t take ownership of them. It was always about what he had done that made me angry and caused me to be violent. But I learned in time that I had decided to act out in violent ways. Those were my decisions. And it didn’t feel nice to learn that, in fact it made me feel horrible. But in the end I had to own it.
Kimberley also helped me understand my trigger points. When I get worked up, there is a physical response. My heart races, I feel hot, my breath quickens. When I feel these things, I know that I have to step away and calm myself down. I now say, ‘I can’t have this conversation right now, can we please talk another time.’ It feels really nice to be able to do that, like I can manage my emotions in a healthy way.
My daughter. I did a lot of work with Kimberley around my relationships and I was able to sit down with my daughter and be honest about how I treated her in the past. I brought up specific actions and told her that what I did was not OK. I told her she deserved better than that. She said, ‘It’s OK mum,’ but I said it isn’t OK, we can’t brush this off. I wanted her to really hear me take ownership of those actions. I know how kids pick up on what their parents do without anything having to be said. She has seen me at some bad times and now she is seeing me at better times, growing into a better person.
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Now that I have a toddler too, I am parenting very differently. I am motivated and passionate to be a better mother. I parent from the heart now and all of this has come from reaching out to RISE.
I am also in a new relationship with a partner who has also done some work on himself. We are honest with each other and we use tools that Kimberley gave me to manage tough times in our relationship.
I wouldn’t be the person I am now without Kimberley’s help. I am so grateful to her.
There’s one more thing I’d like to say. I was not alone in behaving violently. I’ve recently started confiding in my friends about the work I am doing on myself. It’s pretty clear that many women think the way I used to behave is acceptable because some of my friends hurt their male partners in the same way. If some of my friends do it, then there are women everywhere doing it.
It’s well known that women are not usually the abuser in family violence, so in a twisted way I felt relieved and less alone by this. But it’s still not OK by any stretch. I think women behave like this more than people think. If I can make changes to be a better person, I want my experience to be shared so that other women can learn they can choose a different, safer, happier path too.
*Anna is a former RISE client, although she occasionally reaches out to her clinician for ongoing advice. Anna’s name has been changed to protect her identity.